wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
