I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
