She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Panties = found
Randomize
