My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
