it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Your cock deserves a montage
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I still have a little drunk in my system
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
