I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
