hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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