this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
