Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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