fuck your aforementioned shoe
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
