Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just found a bag of teeth...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
