I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
