He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
my liver is dry heaving
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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