I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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