My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
