I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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