Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
