Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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