shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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