Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
