I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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