I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
