he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
