I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
