When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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