can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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