That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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