Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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