Taylor Swift is so right about you.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
