I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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