My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
