I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
