I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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