hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
