my phone needs a breathalizer
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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