yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
