i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
