I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
