god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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