that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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