She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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