meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
