When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just gift wrapped bread.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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