My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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