Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
