I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
where are you?
Hypothermia
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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