I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
