so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
