Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
