You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
