How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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